Moms

I never had the pleasure of having a relationship with my mother. She and my father split when I was very young (under 3) and my father won custody of me. She would never have been a good motherly influence in my life anyway. My father did marry another woman when I was just 6 and she was that motherly figure in my life until I was 16. She was not a good motherly influence in my life either. She was emotionally abusive for most of the 10 years she was my "mother". I still have her voice in my head.

I have spent much of my life yearning for that motherly influence for my life. I see so many mothers and daughters, grown and so close. It is so hard to see as I have such a strong desire for it myself. In recent years, I have had close relationships with some women who are old enough to be my mother. I have let myself rely on them for guidance and mentoring and soaked in their love for me. Through them, I have had hope.

I remember, once, a boyfriend I had. His mother did not want for us to get married. She said to him that since I did not have a motherly figure in my life, I would not know how to be a good wife and mother. If only she knew how much that hurt me...how much that confirmed so much of what I had been told by my step-mother. It has been a deep pit that I keep trying to claw my way out of.

I have been married to a man for over 10 years now...a man who loves me wholly and completely and who daily reaches out his hand to help pull me out of the pit I am in. He is the most generous man I have ever met and he builds me up and shows me how wrong everything I have been raised to believe is. I am a mother of 2 wonderful children who I adore more than I ever thought I could. My children love me and fill me daily. My daughter and I have such a wonderful relationship and I will be damned (yes I said damned) if our relationship will ever suffer. She has no doubt in her mind that she is loved...that she matters....that she can be whatever she wants to be....that she is beautiful....that God loves her.

I will never have a relationship with my birth mother. I found out recently that she has died. I cannot get back those years of emotional abuse I suffered in childhood...adolescence. But, I can move on. It is so hard sometimes. I have to fight the battle almost daily. I have to get it through my thick head that I am not worthless....that I can be loved....that I am not a loser...that I have something to offer....that I can be a good wife.....that I can be a good mother.....that I am not ugly.....

God made me. He chose the color of my hair. He chose the color of my eyes. He placed the freckles on my skin. He chose the man I was to marry. He put me on a path. He gave me the instinct to be a mother. He has NEVER called me names. He has NEVER called me worthless. He counted the number of hairs on my head. I matter to Him. To Him, I am somebody. I can look in the mirror and see who He made me to be....not what I was told I am.

So, maybe I didn't have a good role model growing up. But, I met Matt. It was no accident. God placed this man in my life....a man who would be everything that I missed in life growing up. A man who has made it his goal in life to erase the bad...make up for the past. I thank God for my husband.

Ok...sorry for the rant. God is mending my heart. He is replacing the missing pieces in my life. My husband and my kids....they fill those gaps......and God is there with them.