Thursday, April 22, 2010

It is obvoius

Well, the blog thing to keep me going with exercise and weight loss is officially a disaster!! lol Who has time to keep up with a daily diary much less a daily exercise program. BLEH!!!

So, here is where I am at...I am no longer exercising. Not good, right??!! My excuse, it is almost summer and I will be spending time in the pool a lot soon...hmmm....good excuse??? As for diet, I am doing our best of not eating processed food. It is not entirely possible, but I have DRASTICALLY cut a lot of perservatives out of our diet....and have gone organic on many things. (Should I tell you I am drinking a Dr. Pepper right now and would it count in my favor if I told you I needed to break a $20 and that is why I bought the Dr. Pepper.....hmmmmm.......).

Here is something I have been struggling with faith. In recent weeks/months, I have found myself relying less and less on God and thus feeling further away from Him and thus letting doubt seep in. I keep telling myself...look around you and see God's glory and wonder.....but I am finding it hard to see. I feel as if I am crying out in the darkness and not being heard. I still listen to my praise and worship....I still attend church, bible studies, MOPS, sunday school....I have not altered my behavior in any way...but it is falling on deaf ears.

Today, I was in my car contemplating The song "Your Hands" by J.J. Heller (one of the BEST songs) came on my ipod and she speaks of unanswered prayers...and feeling alone.....but through it all, God still has us in His hands and Heaven stands strong. I listened to the song and it penetrated a little bit.

So, I contemplated some more. I started thinking about us here in America. We are raised to be independent (my father raised me to be a career woman) and to not depend on anyone or anything....there is an answer for everything under the need money, get a job or go to need food, go to the grocery store or food bank....sick, go see a doctor....can't walk, go to therapy, get prosthetics or wheelchairs....can't hear, learn sign language....can't speak, learn to write and learn sign language....can't see, learn to walk with a sight dog, learn braille, walking stick....

Think about 3rd world countries where people are desperate and do not have our resources....and they attend revivals and have healing. These people tend to be a way to look into the desperation we see so often in the new testament when Jesus and his disciples or Paul would walk from town to town healing along the way.

So, is that the reason for my lack of faith?? Am I just not in a place where I am rockbottom to NEED to rely on Him? Is it because I live in a society where God just doesn't show His glory as much because we just do not cry out to Him anymore? I wonder how much He weeps for us?? We are rich beyond measure and our drive is for more....more money....more stuff....more house....more car.....But where does God fit in??

I am in awe at the women I know and read about and watch on tv who have the persistence to go after Him with such furvor. They read the bible everyday...spend so much time in quiet prayer with Him.... I am SO not there. I rarely if ever read my bible. I listen to praise music, but it has become such a part of my life that it is almost like noise...something my kids like to sing in the car and dance to at home. I am in bible studies...but they are falling flat with me.

And, I think in typing this I have come to understand where a lot of my problem is!! I am just not in His presence like I should be. I need to READ more...I need to PRAY more...and I need to quiet myself before Him MORE!!! I guess it is like my clarinet. I played it in High School...was proficient enough to ALMOST be 1st chair. I could read sheet music, I could move my fingers and place my mouth right on the mouthpiece and make music come out of the woodwind. But, after my Junior year of HS, I took it apart, put it in it's box, and never played it again. Over time, it became a distant memory. I can look at sheet music and it might as well be Chinese....I couldn't pick up the clarinet to save my life. It is a forgotten talent...and the desire to play it is gone.

I am out of practice with my relationship with the Lord. Is it any wonder that I do not hear him anymore?? Is it a wonder my faith is slipping?? I have gotten lazy in my walk! I have become spoiled in my independence! take that first step. A long time ago, I felt like I should get an accountability partner...someone I could be held accountable to and to whom would be accoutable to me. This may be a first step....

So, there is my rantings. If you are reading this...pray for me....pray for my faith....pray that I hear from God (something I want desperately)....pray that my eyes are opened to His wonders and his ever present spririt!!