Sierra....she blows my mind.

Tonight, our church concluded a period of fasting by holding a worship and prayer service. The service was amazing...I felt the holy spirit stronger than I have in a very, very long time.

They had childcare for the little kids, but bigger kids were to be with their parents. I noticed a strong lack of bigger kids in the service, but my daughter was present and accounted for.

When we shared with Sierra the fact that the Pastor of our church was calling us to fast, Sierra said she wanted to participate, too. We, of course, told her she could and explained what it meant (for us, we did not fast from food....I just can't go without food and I wouldn't want her to, either). We told her she needed to spend her free time with God...praying for others....worshiping Him...etc. She said, no problem.

We had many discussions over these last few days and I found her thought process to be very mature for someone her age.

Tonight, at the church service, she just blew my mind. My daughter, 10 years old, went to the altar to pray (how many times have I felt drawn to the altar and stayed back with fear of being seen)...My daughter, 10 years old, went to the mic they had set up for people to share prayers or scriptures or what have you and she shared a prayer of thanks for God to give us this church where we can worship and pray freely (a task that is not easy in a room filled with a couple hundred adults....and how many times have I felt the urge to share in a room a fraction this size but held back because I had a fear I would say something stupid)....and when there was one particular prayer request during the time of intercession where Pastor Jeff called all leaders and all intercessors to come forward to surround, lay hands, and pray my daughter, 10 years old, went forward to join with the masses, her hands held out and she joined them in prayer (how many times did I feel like I should do that and held back with fear).

I was left praying to God....how did I with so many faults manage to have a daughter with such a spirit of prayer and getting right with God.

She blows my mind!

2 posts in 1

There is so much going on in the life of us Kozlowskis that it is simply too much to go into. So, I will just post on 2 things that are on my mind right now and maybe at another time, I will post something else.

So, let me start with my darling son, Daniel!
As many know, Daniel was born with a congenital cataract in his left eye. This caused much pain in this mother's heart who wanted perfect babies...as any mother would. God dealt with me through this...in the grand scheme of things, a cataract is not that big.

Added to the cataract, his vision in that eye was very poor. There is a technical term for it, but I am not even going to attempt it. Basically, he has a lazy eye. This kind of sounds weird for me though as his eye does not look lazy...there has been no crossing in his 4 1/2 years.

Earlier this year, it became clear that his cataract had to be removed...it was growing as his eye grew and was placed near the center of his pupil. This involved removing his natural lens with the cataract and having a new, artificial lens put in. This is tricky for kids...especially as young as Daniel. The doctor has to guesstimate where his vision should be in the new lens...they make it pretty far sighted. This means that his near sight is bad and his glasses need to now be bi-focals. In the doctor visits since his surgery, his vision in that eye has worsened. We have to step up patching...which entails putting a patch over his "good" eye and making his "bad" eye work more.

We have been trying to patch since he was 1 year old...but it has been such a physical, emotional and mental battle. Daniel hates it. I am not sure I can blame him...imagine walking around for HOURS during the day with a large band-aid placed over one of your eyes. NOT FUN! I had to weigh the options of getting his eye stronger and dealing with an increasing anger Daniel was having towards us. So, for most of his infant and toddler years, we opted NOT to patch.

Now, I know we can reason with him. He still hates it, but there are so many options. We found these special patches you can order online called PatchPals. They fit over the glasses lens of the "good" eye. This takes away the discomfort of a big band-aid....not to mention it was right around $15 with shipping which, in the end, is much cheaper than buying boxes of patches.

Daniel still does not like wearing it, but it is not the battle it once was. He has been wearing his patch for close to 4 hours a day. He asks me constantly throughout the wearing time when he can finally take it off...but I will take the constant questions over the TERRIBLE fits of crying! I am a bit concerned cause he says he can't see when the patch is in and he has not adjusted to the bi-focal yet. His next appointment is October 30 and I am anxiously counting down the days, hours, minutes, seconds until we can talk to his doc.

On to the second post:

Today, we made a stop at the library. I am TERRIBLE with libraries...I end up with HIGH overdue fees and even seem to have lost a library book. I just cannot be trusted to check out books.

The library has a wonderful service called "Friends of the Library" where they take donated books and then turn around and sell them to us for SUPER CHEAP prices.

So, today Daniel and I went to the library for the sole purpose of skimming through their books for sale....and came home with a treasure trove.



Reading is very important to me. I was always called a book worm throughout my childhood and I understand the need for kids to read and try and give them a love of books.

Part of that is reading to my kids...yes, even my 10-year old. With Daniel, I will read to him before nap and again before bed. He gets really upset with me if I happen to be too busy or the night is too late. He treasures this time...and, let's face it, it does not get any better than laying in his bed with him...his head resting on my shoulder...as I read to him. It is the best feeling in the world and Daniel has got the love for books....in fact, I need to get on top of teaching him to read...he exhibits all the signs of one who is ready to learn.

With Sierra, it is also a SWEET, SWEET time. We pick a chapter book and I read a chapter or two. It is the same scenario as the above. I get in bed with her...she often puts her head on my shoulder. She gets very upset with me if it is too late or just can't. We have started reading the Limeny Snickett "Series of Unfortunate Events" together with the beginning of this school year. There is no better bonding time than sitting on your kid's bed as you read to them.

So, what fun it was to go to the library and get all those books in the above picture for just over $7. I found 2 of the Limeny Snickett books for $1 each!! In HARDBACK!! Granted, they are books 4 and 5 and we need 2 and 3, but.... Daniel got 4 books. I found Sierra a series of books that look really cool for 50 cents each...and a couple magazine for me (10 cents each). What a treasure!!

I need to go there more often!!!

Wow...is this too long. Well, since I do not blog often, I guess I am due!

ruminations

It is my dream to be an author. I would love to write a plot twisting mystery...or a spiritually in-depth character study like Rivers writes. But, I tend to not have the endurance to finish anything. Why is it that every night when the lights are out and my head hits the pillow, words and thoughts will flow through my mind like the words at the beginning of any of the Star Wars movies. I will toss and turn and make my monologue or story ideas or what have you weaving into something that I can tell would be good....and then the pills I take each night kick in and I pass out.

When I wake up in the morning, are those thoughts and streaming lines of sentences I spent so much time thinking through the night before end up going through some sort of mental paper shredding while I slept....or seem to pass into the cosmos to be forever lost among the vastness of space.

I decided tonight that I would be inspired to get something started NOW...while my son is in bed....while my daughter entertains herself on her laptop....while I sit on my bed in this darkened room.....and....I.....got............NOTHING!!

I guarantee that as soon as I shut this (my ever present extension to my arms and hands)computer down and place my head on my pillow....those thoughts and visions will come roaring in. I need a voice recorder so I can try and at least utter these thoughts into existence for review the next day to see if I actually do make sense.

So, as my eyes grow heavy as I lay on my bed and in the not so great for your back position...I will say goodnight. One day, you will be at a bookstore and you will see "written by Sandra Kozlowski" Until that time.....I will try my best to stave off the nodding to sleep and you guys .....yep....I am gone....good night!

A Glimpse of What's Ahead!

This week, both my children are attending VBS. This is a big deal for us because this is the first time that, first off, I will have a whole week of mornings free since before Daniel was born. Wow! Secondly, this is the first time Daniel will be away from ME for a week of mornings.

Let me pause here and beef out a complaint I have for churches and their VBS programs. First of all, most of the VBS' around here charge for VBS. That is beef number one for me. VBS is supposed to be an outreach. In my opinion, money to cover the cost for VBS should come from within the church. Secondly, almost every church has the age limit that the child has to have graduated from Kindergarten in order to participate. WHAT!! I mean, seriously.

As a former Children's Pastor, I know that every VBS program out there has a preschool curriculum as well as the older kids. When I was CP, I would hold FREE VBS' and the ages would be 3 years through 6th grade. I would communicate with my preschool teachers and they would all say the same things...the kids were enjoying the stories and games........AND were even memorizing their verses. It is ridiculous to believe that we cannot reach young children.

Even the church my kids are at now is 4 years and up and this is their FIRST year going that young...and only did so at the constant urging of my friend who is the MOPS coordinator at that church.

Ok....let out a big breath...that soap box is done.

So...Daniel was born 1/2 way through Sierra's kindergarten year. When Sierra was in Kindergarten, she only went half days. So, for a few months, I was able to be free. Since Daniel was born, I have had a day here and there where Matt would watch him and I could run errands...or he would take the kids for a few hours and I could be home alone. But...this is a whole WEEK of free mornings.

This morning, I went to Wal-Mart without stepping foot in the toy department. I was able to meander without having to constantly make sure my kids were a) still with me or b) keeping their hands off things they shouldn't touch (i.e. cameras on display...cell phones on display). Not once did a little voice (or older voice) say..."can I have this?". I knew what I needed to get...I went to the areas of the store I needed to go...checked out...and left.

I also made a trip to Hobby Lobby. Not once did I have to say..."get down from there" or "no, don't touch that"...or, "no, you can't have that". No potty breaks. Again, I knew what I needed...went to the area I needed to go...got what I needed and left.

Oh, and then there is the car. I had my ipod plugged in and I listened to wonderful worship music shuffled on my ipod. I got to have the volume up at a level where I could actually sit and listen. There was no gabbering on about nothing....the constant noise of questions and idle chatter.......just me and my music. One of the songs that popped on was by SuperChick (one of my fave songs)..."Pure Flow" and one of the lines goes "I've got the pure flow, water around..the rocks of life won't pull me down" and I could not help but think of this pure flow that was flowing around me. *sigh* It was nice.

Now, do not get me wrong....I love my kids and they really are GREAT kids. I know it will be hard when Daniel crosses into that phase of life called school...that first day of Kindergarten (a little over a year away) will be hard for sure. And I certainly love summer...hanging with the kids and having fun. I have often been asked what I will do when both kids are in school...will I work? It is tempting to get a job while the kids are in school...supplement the income. But, every single member of my family has asked that I not work. Sierra says she likes having a mom that is home. She has begged me not to work. So, when Daniel is in school...I will likely try to do some volunteering...I will continue to attend bible studies...maybe I will join a gym (though I suppose I could do that now)....I will be readily available to my kids and husband as needed.

It is a great feeling to be a mom...to have kids who not only love you (duh) but like having you around. It is a great feeling when I pick Daniel up from Sunday School class or any other class he is in and that look of joy when he sees me and runs to hug me. It is a great feeling when Sierra looks at me with her beautiful blue eyes and says she loves me and wants to be like me. To know that the material things do not matter as much as the emotional needs.

But, I will enjoy my time this week...these mornings of peace. I will continue, though, to treasure those many mornings between now and the start of kindergarten with my son.

Life is good. And now I will turn on the tv and veg for a bit...with cats napping around me and along with the dog. Peace and tranquility....

Popcorn Commercial

The other day, Sierra's best friend, S., came over to spend the night. They decided to make commercials selling items and Daniel, of course, had to get in on the action. This hilarious commercial ensued. Sierra says Daniel is the next Jim Carey...I agree.

Sierra Growing Up!

Today I started a new bible study with my MOPS group (Beth Moore....Wising Up...based on proverbs). They have childcare only for young kids and not older kids. This church I go to MOPS at has a summer program for kids....every other Friday, kids ages 4 and up can go on their bus to the zoo. I was not comfortable having Daniel go...seeing how the Zoo is across HOUSTON AND he is only FOUR YEARS OLD!!!! Sierra, I am pretty ok with going, but she was not interested in going since she did not know any kids who would be going.

I offered to let her stay home alone. She would have the whole house to herself for a couple hours. She wasn't comfortable with that, so we tried to come up with a different solution. I called up my MOPS leader and asked her if Sierra could help in the nursery. She said of course she could. Whew, load off my mind.

When I went to pick Sierra up from the nursery, the nursery worker said I couldn't have her, she was too good a helper. As I peeked in the room, my heart did a little jump. My little girl did not seem so little anymore. She looked so much older. When she saw me, she gave me a smile...and then she went over and picked up a diaper bag and was exclaiming how it belonged to a mom who forgot it. She has talked non-stop about how she loved being with the babies.

When she is officially in 5th grade, she will have an opportunity to work in Children's Ministry at our church. She can't wait!!

How did she get to be this old!!??!! I had a flashback today when I was working in church. How I would have a lot of kids that would help out and how helpful they could be and how cute it was to see them working with kids that are "so much younger" than them. Today, my daughter was one of those. It is funny how you can be so full of sorrow at how fast they grow up....and can be so full of joy and pride looking at what she has become!!

Watered Down Christianity

Christianity has become somewhat of a mystery to me. Well, no, that is not entirely the case. It is not a mystery to me, but what Christianity has become in the "Christian" world is a mystery. I see a watering down of Christian views and beliefs being taught from the pulpit as well from the personal lives of those walking the walk.

I struggle with this personally. Let me state this first. I am, by no means, a perfect Christian. There is no such thing as that perfect Christian. I do not read my bible NEAR enough. I do not pray and spend time with the Lord near enough. I try to instill Godly principles in my kids, but I do not do this nearly enough either. I claim to not have enough time to spend in the word...or not enough time to spend teaching my kids the word...and who has time to pray. There are so many areas in my life that I need improvement in...as do we all.

There are decisions I made for my life long ago, and I have stuck by them. I do not listen to non-Christian music. Well, ok, I will sometimes let my son's playlist on my ipod play which has songs like "Life is a Highway" by Rascal Flatts from the Cars soundtrack...and, at times, I allow Matt to put on his favorite radio stations that play secular music and his ipod that is 99% secular. We will sometimes listen to Sierra's ipod which, I am glad to say, is about 80% Christian.

I also only read Christian novels. It is my way to filter out junk that many secular authors put out there and a way for me to feel a bit fuller. This is no easy task as there are not too many authors who write Christian fiction, so it is quite a treat when I come across a new one so I can read again. It limits me from doing what I love to do....read...but I feel better and safer with this limitation.

I do watch a fair number of shows. I cut the list down a lot in recent years. I decided to check out the phenomenon which was "Grey's Anatomy', but could not get past all the sex, adultery, and brashness of the show. I also cut out "Bones" and "House" for similar reasons...Bones and her atheistic and sexual viewpoints was revolting and, maybe not to the extreme of Bones, the same went for House. I do love to watch shows like "Chuck" and "Lost" that are not perfect in their filtering of these offenses, but it is not the central core of the shows.

Movies are another filter. I love movies, but recently said no more to R movies. Most PG-13 movies get the boot, too. It disgusts me what they get away with as rating a movie viewable for 13 year olds. We recently went and saw "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" and were disgusted by the whole movie. Every fiber of my being said I should get up and walk out, but I didn't and was disgusted with myself for it.

So, all that said, therein lies the struggle. I struggle with Matt still listening to secular music. I know...a prude right?? But wasn't music created by God for Him?? I grew up very naive. I loved songs like "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and never realized what it meant. I did not know what a good 90% of songs meant when they sang about "sugar walls", "cherry pie", and other such things that I have since been enlightened to by Matt. I just cannot listen to these songs anymore without wondering what revolting thing they are singing about now. I recently watched the movie "The Piano". I was so taken by the music that before it was done, I downloaded the soundtrack. Well, if you have seen the movie, than you know that it is, in my opinion, soft porn. Now, I cannot listen to the soundtrack without conjuring up images from that movie.

I also know of so many people whom I have a great deal of respect for who practice in reading, watching or listening to what I deem as the opposite of what God would have for us. The media is pushing on us a viewpoint of sex being so casual and it is really weird how many Christians are buying into it. The numbers of people obsessed with shows like Grey's Anatomy...and Twilight. I don't know.

I guess my biggest struggle in not being on a high horse about it. But, I just wonder what kind of message it is to spend a Sunday in church learning about how to walk in the footsteps of Christ and what God wants for us and from us, and to go home and turn on these shows or movies or read the books. It makes me scared to think of what is happening to this generation of Christians.

I don't know. Just something I struggle with. Like I said, I know we are human and not perfect and I certainly make so many mistakes in my own life. I just wonder if allowing things in our minds will further corrupt a doctrine that is already under so many attacks from the outside world. How can I talk with someone about the darkness of the world and the spiritual warfare taking place while reading "Twilight". Or how can I teach my daughter about the depravity of casual sex while watching a show like "Grey's Anatomy" or movies like "Ghosts from Girlfriends Past". I want to teach my daughter about having respect for herself and my son to respect women but am at Barnes & Noble the other day and my son is eye to eye with, I think it was Rolling Stone at the checkout, a naked woman with strategically placed bubbles covering those sensitive areas.

Raising a kid is hard enough, but sending mixed signals does not help. I have made the decision to not send mixed signals. I tell Sierra NEVER to fall prey to a boy unless they can treat her as her father treats me. If I see something questionable, on tv or on one of my dvds, it is gone. I talk to Sierra about the war going on in the spiritual realm (on her level)...I am not going to turn around and watch something like Twilight or Harry Potter which glorifies these dark forces.

My sister is a practicing pagan who also practices witchcraft. I know the reality of this world personally. How do I tell Sierr and Daniel to pray for my sister and at the same time watch something that makes it ok?? My filter is on full steam. What is not good for them is not good for me. (ok, there is some adult entertainment that is ok for us and not for her......she is still a kid).

I encourage her to listen to Christian music and am so fortunate that she LOVES it...Toby Mac and Pure NRG are her faves. It is unfortunate that there is not a real good market for Christian novels for kids...but at least many of kids books are not bad. It is scary, though, as I walked around the kids section of Barnes & Noble how easily these have crept into their books. A psychic kid detective...books on witchcraft and other powers...etc.

With that, I apologize for any ideals or feelings I may be touching on. I may be wrong in my views and if I am, please tell me how and why. I have been the receiver of people who say one thing and acted in another. It is hurtful and has made me guarded on friendships and relationships. I just wonder what we do to our kids teaching them one thing and doing another.

And, while I am preaching on not sending mixed signals to our kids, I must confess to a mixed signal that I not only have sent to my kids, but which Sierra has called me on. I am VERY sarcastic...especially when I am grumpy. Sierra has not only picked up on it, but is practicing it. So, I call her on it...Sierra, don't talk to me like that. Well, she says, you talk to me like that, why can't I talk to you like that?? Hmmmmm....how do I answer that?? Simple...I am wrong and need to work on that.

P.S. Matt read this blog and liked it, but thought I was a bit wrong in a couple things. First, let me say that while everything was clear when I started, I had MANY interruptions while writing including many visits from Sierra wanting me to look at things online and a call from someone that ended up being a 20 minute conversation that severely interrupted the thought process.

He mentioned me talking about secular music and books being something I will not partake in, but I still watch secular shows and movies. First of all on that, this is my own, personal, choice. I choose to listen to Christian music cause I want to, first off, listen to music that glorifies God and secondly, music I do not need to wonder what the meanings are.

Also, shows. Let's face it...there are not too many things in Christian entertainment that is very entertaining. I could limit myself to HGTV and Food Network, but I do require a bit of entertainment. I am human and I do watch a number of tv shows that are secular. I have eliminated many shows that I deemed as immoral or anti God. I would argue that, at least so far, Lost has not been too immoral. Ok, this past season, Sawyer and the blonde chick were living together on the island and are not married...but beyond a kiss here and there, that was the limit and was only a very slight part of the show. Chuck makes me a bit uncomfortable with the clothing that Sarah wears and yes, Chuck's sister and her fiancee were living together. Again, not the best morally, but it is not in your face in action or look. I also enjoy 24...terrorism.

Movies. Yes, I just took a look at my movies...many Jane Austen...uh, yeah, cleaner than clean. I do have 13 Going on 30...hmmmm....maybe not the best choice. There are scenes that make me cringe. Stepmom...dad divorces wife and is living with his much younger girlfriend and his kids spend some weekends with them...ok, could use a purging of my movies. Honestly, I have not watched most of these (yes, there are more) in a long, long time. I tend to watch crime shows like American Justice and Dateline now and not so much on the movies we own.

The other night, Matt put on the MTV movie awards. How many teens do you think watched this show that was so disgusting in it's presentation, stars, and other such skits. I had to leave the room. I guess if it makes me squirm, there is a reason for it and I shouldn't watch it anymore. I struggle with the great movies that are "The Transformers". For the most part, the action is fun and good.....but you have the over sexualization of Megan Fox....the preview with her on the motorcycle is appalling. Where to draw the line is something I must evaluate and re-evaluate. I am not too comfortable with Sierra watching Megan Fox and the way they use her sexuality.

A week ago, I was at water day at Sierra's school and I heard one girl say to another girl, take a picture of me being sexy. A couple weeks before that, Sierra is coming home in tears cause some of the kids in her school started a vampire club...one girl even bit Sierra in order to prove that she was a vampire. Another day...closer to the beginning of the school year, I overheard one of the 4th graders talking to her friends about how bad she needed a boyfriend. Twilight obsession has reached even our 9 and 10 year olds. HECK, in 1st grade a girl told a bunch of her friends about how if she were a TEENAGER she would shower naked with Zack Efron. I know of 13-year olds obsessed with the Twilight star...Sierra talks about her classmates being obsessed with the movie. This is not good.