Marriage and Love

I tend to watch a lot of true crime shows like American Justice, Cold Case Files, Dateline, 48 Hours Mystery, et. al. I find the criminal mind fascinating...the hows and whys people do what they do.

Most of the crimes I watch tend to show crimes of passion. Husband kills wife...wife kills husband.... Usually, an affair is involved and the only way out of the marriage seems to be murder. It is amazing.

One thing I see a lot in watching these shows is how easy it seems to be for people to move on from relationship to relationship. Love seems to be lost and commitment is meaningless.

When I was 18, I dated a guy. He was one of my first boyfriends and he was infatuated with me. He professed his love to me via words, songs, letters, jewelry, etc. I did not feel the same about him. I liked him a lot and liked to hang out with him, but knew it was short lived as I was moving away to college and he was a high school drop-out working at a local factory. He was disturbed (a fact I was not aware of) and committed suicide a few weeks before Christmas stating that he knew I was eventually moving and wanted to end it now.

Though my feelings for him were not as deep as his for me, it took a year before I could even consider any sort of relationship with a man. I could not imagine opening up to another relationship. We had gone out for maybe 5-6 months.

I do not understand these people whose spouse die and are remarried within a year.

Why am I thinking of this? My father died in October of last year. He had been married to his wife for about 9 years. When the family ascended on his house to grieve his death, his wife had all of his belongings on a table asking that we (dad's kids) go through it all quickly to clean her table off. There were a few items she found precious that she wanted to keep for herself.

I tried to ignore that nagging feeling inside...that feeling of pain seeing my father's possessions so callously laid out for dispersal. His wife went on to talk about plans of putting herself out there for another man. She talked of going to the places she and my dad went dancing to every week in hopes of meeting some one new.

A couple months after his death, she talked to me about how hard it was to find a good, single man and I was almost sickened by it. This is my FATHER. What does 9 years of marriage mean to her?? To others out there??

Than, today, I received a package from her. There was no note...just a few of my father's items. One of these items was one of those "precious" items she said she wanted to hold on to...my father's plaque he had received celebrating his 1961 football team he coached to an undefeated state championship! Also included in this package were my father's rings (not his wedding ring, but he had a hobby of making jewelry and she sent me the two rings he wore everyday).

I can't help but wonder if my father's marriage meant so little to her that she could so easily pass on these items...if she has "found that man to replace him". How do you do that?? How can someone move on SO FAST!!?? Maybe she hasn't and just wanted to get rid of more of his items as she did when he died?? I don't know...but I do know it is her desire.

It makes me sad. What is marriage today?? What does it mean?? What is it's purpose?? Is it just convenient to us??

Matt has told me that if something were to ever happen to me, he would never marry again. That is not my wish for him. I would want him to follow his heart and do not want him to be lonely....but isn't that the desire we should have...a covenant and commitment to the one we marry??

I feel so sad for my dad. He had love once...he was madly in love with a woman who deserted him while he was fighting in WWII. I think this broke his heart to such a degree that he never really recovered. He was married to his first wife for several years (the longest in his long line of marriages). I think he did love her... He did not love my mother, his second marriage...married her as the mother of me. He, also, did not love his third wife...but married her to be a "mother" to me (a disaster in my life that is best kept to another rant). He claimed love for his 4th wife, though it was very short lived (months long). He finally married his 5th wife, his final wife. He seemed to love her at first and maybe he did to the end.

It makes me sad.

Since writing this post, I have found out that his widow is, indeed, seeing a new man. She, apparently, is looking forward to marrying him soon.

My dad has been on my mind a LOT lately. Maybe it is because his birthday is in a few days.....I don't know?? This package I received came as a blow in my already weakened state of grief. I am pleased to have these possessions, but saddened at how easily they could be given away.

I hate when I receive mail from her. She puts my dad's mailing stickers on the envelope or package she sends, but crosses out his name and writes in hers. Everytime I get something like that it is like someone has punched me in the gut. I have a hard time calling her and listening to her complain about finding a new guy for herself and do not think I could call her now and listen to her talk about the new man in her life (apparently, my sister, Vivian, called and found out about him).

Matt says he is done with her. We had a hard time dealing with her during and after this tragic event, but tried our best to feel sorry for her. Now, all I can do is pray. Matt would rather we just let her go...

*sigh* I am blank. I just cannot fathom the coldness of these many acts. My family has always been somewhat dysfunctional, but the love my father and I shared was not dysfunctional. I cannot let this negative in.

Ok...I am done....again.....