A book

I am writing a book. It is hard for me to believe and I have no doubt it will not be published, but it is quite a thing to say you are writing a book.

Matt has encouraged me for years to do it and I always said, nah. I mean, it is a lot of work and you need quiet time of which I have rarely any of.

BUT, a couple weeks ago I sat in my room and wrote for 2 hours straight. I didn't even have a concept. I just let myself go and wrote and wrote and wrote. Before I knew it, the plot was unfolding.

I have researched how to write a book and I have read that you need to free write the book and never go back and read what you wrote until you have written it all. They say you will get lost in fixing problems and frustrated. They say it will really stink, that first draft, but then you go back and start fine tuning.

This is what I have done. I am just freewriting and not looking back. I let it go.

it is a mystery, a murder mystery, a serial murder mystery....my family laughs cause I LOVE true crime shows and watch all of them: American Justice (seen em all), Cold Case Files (Yep, seen all those too), Snapped (women who "snap" and commit crimes), Forensic Files (all about, well, cases with strong forensics). I love them all.

I also love Criminal Minds, Cold Case, Law & Order, Law & Order SVU, Dateline, 48 Hours Mystery, CSI, NCIS, etc.

So....here I am. Writing a book. I have written several pages and chapters. I have no idea where I am going. I let my imagination go. Matt has read a few chapters and he says he really likes it, but then he has some pretty thick rose colored glasses where I am concerned.

A weird thing about this process. I have been having some pretty emotional things happening and I find myself tearing up as I write. WHOA!!! What is THAT all about?? I take my laptop wherever I go to write as I find time. I am getting some pretty painful carpal tunnel.

So.....there you have it! Oh, boy. How cool would it be!??!!

It is obvoius

Well, the blog thing to keep me going with exercise and weight loss is officially a disaster!! lol Who has time to keep up with a daily diary much less a daily exercise program. BLEH!!!

So, here is where I am at...I am no longer exercising. Not good, right??!! My excuse, it is almost summer and I will be spending time in the pool a lot soon...hmmm....good excuse??? As for diet, I am doing our best of not eating processed food. It is not entirely possible, but I have DRASTICALLY cut a lot of perservatives out of our diet....and have gone organic on many things. (Should I tell you I am drinking a Dr. Pepper right now and would it count in my favor if I told you I needed to break a $20 and that is why I bought the Dr. Pepper.....hmmmmm.......).

Here is something I have been struggling with lately....my faith. In recent weeks/months, I have found myself relying less and less on God and thus feeling further away from Him and thus letting doubt seep in. I keep telling myself...look around you and see God's glory and wonder.....but I am finding it hard to see. I feel as if I am crying out in the darkness and not being heard. I still listen to my praise and worship....I still attend church, bible studies, MOPS, sunday school....I have not altered my behavior in any way...but it is falling on deaf ears.

Today, I was in my car contemplating life...purpose...God....no-God. The song "Your Hands" by J.J. Heller (one of the BEST songs) came on my ipod and she speaks of unanswered prayers...and feeling alone.....but through it all, God still has us in His hands and Heaven stands strong. I listened to the song and it penetrated a little bit.

So, I contemplated some more. I started thinking about us here in America. We are raised to be independent (my father raised me to be a career woman) and to not depend on anyone or anything....there is an answer for everything under the stars....you need money, get a job or go to welfare...you need food, go to the grocery store or food bank....sick, go see a doctor....can't walk, go to therapy, get prosthetics or wheelchairs....can't hear, learn sign language....can't speak, learn to write and learn sign language....can't see, learn to walk with a sight dog, learn braille, walking stick....

Think about 3rd world countries where people are desperate and do not have our resources....and they attend revivals and have healing. These people tend to be a way to look into the desperation we see so often in the new testament when Jesus and his disciples or Paul would walk from town to town healing along the way.

So, is that the reason for my lack of faith?? Am I just not in a place where I am rockbottom to NEED to rely on Him? Is it because I live in a society where God just doesn't show His glory as much because we just do not cry out to Him anymore? I wonder how much He weeps for us?? We are rich beyond measure and our drive is for more....more money....more stuff....more house....more car.....But where does God fit in??

I am in awe at the women I know and read about and watch on tv who have the persistence to go after Him with such furvor. They read the bible everyday...spend so much time in quiet prayer with Him.... I am SO not there. I rarely if ever read my bible. I listen to praise music, but it has become such a part of my life that it is almost like noise...something my kids like to sing in the car and dance to at home. I am in bible studies...but they are falling flat with me.

And, I think in typing this I have come to understand where a lot of my problem is!! I am just not in His presence like I should be. I need to READ more...I need to PRAY more...and I need to quiet myself before Him MORE!!! I guess it is like my clarinet. I played it in High School...was proficient enough to ALMOST be 1st chair. I could read sheet music, I could move my fingers and place my mouth right on the mouthpiece and make music come out of the woodwind. But, after my Junior year of HS, I took it apart, put it in it's box, and never played it again. Over time, it became a distant memory. I can look at sheet music and it might as well be Chinese....I couldn't pick up the clarinet to save my life. It is a forgotten talent...and the desire to play it is gone.

I am out of practice with my relationship with the Lord. Is it any wonder that I do not hear him anymore?? Is it a wonder my faith is slipping?? I have gotten lazy in my walk! I have become spoiled in my independence!

Now....to take that first step. A long time ago, I felt like I should get an accountability partner...someone I could be held accountable to and to whom would be accoutable to me. This may be a first step....

So, there is my rantings. If you are reading this...pray for me....pray for my faith....pray that I hear from God (something I want desperately)....pray that my eyes are opened to His wonders and his ever present spririt!!

Update....

Well, I have not been good with this form of trying to be held accountable...although in hindsight, how is the computer going to hold me accountable?

I have maintained my weight at 127...this is with the change in diet and portions and no exercise. It has been hard to exercise with these constant headaches.

We are about to go on an extended vacation and are planning to eat as healthy as possible...we'll see how that goes. For our first day of our trip, we are packing lunches and snacks to avoid that terrible road food...i.e. convenient store chips and candy and fast food.

On a funny note, you should have seen my kids last night. My ULTIMATE weakness in this healthy living is desserts!! I LOVE THEM!! I also like the picture of a home with a mom who makes yummy desserts for her family (very 50s-esque). My kids have grown accustomed to having cookies, brownies, cheesecake, and other such desserts just about every night. For the last couple weeks, no dessert. I haven't even had any in the house (I am TOO WEAK).

Last night, after dinner, my kids were searching everywhere for some dessert....even after I told them there was none in the house. They searched cabinets, pantry, fridge, freezer.....nada...nothing. I had to two most depressed kids in the WORLD. It was SO sad....they are so used to baking mom. lol I had to do it...I sent Matt out to McDonalds right next to us and got them hot fudge sundaes. And in case you were wondering...no sundae for me...or Matt.

So, there you have it.

127 and counting

Just as I thought...I am not good at upkeep on my blog.

I have not been exercising!! I just haven't been able to!! I have had a terrible time with my headaches. On the more positive news, I have had an epiphany about this terrible time I have had. I have arthritis in my jaw from the build-up of tension....and all the cold weather....DUH!! That is why I have had a terrible time...this is the WORST winter EVER.

GOD WILLING, I will have my surgery soon!!



So, I have become more aware of our health and what I should/should not be eating. I have kept up with my smaller portions and that has worked well. I am now eating a better diet now and so is Matt!! I hope to see a change in him soon!!

So...there you have it. Oh, I tried fish today. I have officially crossed it off my list of food I am willing to eat!!!

BTW...here is a great resource for better eating: http://www.biblicalhealthinstitute.com/FreeCourses/AboutOurFree101Courses/tabid/60/Default.aspx

I think today is day 10!!

It has been a while since I posted. This week has not been a good week...exercise wise. I rode my bike for maybe 2 miles the other day, but that is it. In my defense, I hurt my back somehow...I think working out pulled muscles that are not used to being used. lol Last time this happened I stopped exercising for MONTHS...the trick here is to get back on the horse once I know my back is not hurting anymore!

So...not much to report. My weight has appeared to be steady. I am eating about the same. I haven't had any sweets in a couple days.....well, hold on, I did have a chocolate chip cookie yesterday....it wasn't very good though!!

Day 6 and 7

Well, I did not post anything this morning...mainly because I woke up with a headache...a terrible way to begin the day. I did not exercise...though I intended to. I ate fairly well...oatmeal for breakfast...half an ulitimate cheeseburger from Jack In The Box (regretted that for about an hour or so after....I HATE fast food)....fettucine alfredo with a side of freshly steamed broccoli for dinner (ate all the broccoli and half the fettucine). NO BROWNIES TODAY...or cookies...cake...candy....or anything of the sort!! WHOA!!!! AND, I did BUY some peanut butter cup break and bake cookies.....didn't bake them!! WHOO HOO!!! **Nevermind that I am buying 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies tomorrow!! GOOD GRIEF!**



So, my weight was about the same...129. I still wonder about my scale...could it be wrong??

Need to wake up early in the morning...the day 7 of this post...to get ready for church. Sierra is on the Live team...she will assist in leading worship for first service. She also serves in WeeZone as an assistant in toddlers (a job she LOVES) during 2nd service. So, I wonder if I will get exercising in?? Hmmmmmm.....I NEED TO!! OH, and we are having CHEESE DANISHES for breakfast.....not my usual oatmeal or cheerios. Oh well....Sunday Mornings can only eek out so much effort amid all the other effort that goes with getting a family ready for church.

So...better eating today...no exercise. Probably no exercise tomorrow...will try to eat as good as possible. Jeans still feel the same and my profile in the midsection is a bit more poofy than I would like....not to mention the backside. Not sure if I see any change there........but it has been less than a week. Spring break is about 20 days away.

On a possible negative side...I have been ITCHING to get into a new book. I just finished one that was so tragic I was crying my eyes out...and so joyous I was laughing and whooping outloud. But, I only really got into it in the last quarter of the book. I crave a book that will have me spellbound...but that equals a lot of sitting....not great for one who is trying to lose weight. lol

Day 5

Well, I managed to get up this morning and exercise. It was hard...my bed is SO comfy...and I knew I needed to get ready for the day on top of exercising...but I did it.

My arms are sore from weights and my legs are sore from biking and other toning exercises. It is a good feeling......sorta. lol

I weighed myself this morning and the scale said I was 128.5 pounds. Really....someone HAS to be screwing with my scale. It doesn't make sense that I weigh this much. I have not weighed this much since before Daniel came into the picture. I do not think I look different.

My diet isn't too altered. I am eating less at meals...yesterday I only ate 1 brownie.

So...I guess I will keep going. It has always been my opinion that it is not your weight in pounds...but how you think you look. 130 pounds on me is different than 130 pounds on someone else. I know when I look in the mirror that there are areas of my body that I would like to see toned and not so flabby. So, I will not worry about the pounds as much and will concentrate more on controlling the jiggly parts. lol